This Planet Owes Me Penis Cookies

I stole the frosted penis sugar cookies in a fit of rage.
Who are these asshole bakers? How can they get away
with charging six dollars a cookie for cookies that
people like myself cannot resist? People like myself
beg Mama for grocery money and when Mama says “NO”
we steal pennies and nickels from the console in Mama’s
2005 Kia Spectra.
My sister sends me a hostile text message.
“At some point in your life you are going to have to
take responsibility for your actions.”
No. Don’t want to. Easier to place blame
on penis cookie bakers and stingy mama.

— Misti Rainwater-Lites

7 Responses to “This Planet Owes Me Penis Cookies”

  1. rossvassilev Says:

    In Japan they have some fertility festival that features a 5-foot penis carried round on a platform by 5 men. Vendors sell lollipops and other sweets shaped like penises. We should send Misti as our rep.

  2. Misti Rainwater-Lites is a cracked teapot. She has tried to sell herself on eBay but nobody wants to bid on a bat shit crazy broke ass poet who has one mixed media painting to her name. The title of the painting was Screaming Pussy but is now Crazy With The Cheez Whiz. Misti is currently working on a comedic pornographic horror script with Matt Finney and Michael Lites tentatively titled “White Trash Werewolf” with Evan Stone, the best porn star on the planet, in mind. Misti will not give blow jobs for publication credits but she might send you a lipsticked autographed copy of one of her many self-published books because she’s ditzy like that. If you would like to purchase a collection of 63 PEZ dispensers that includes Yoda (Misti’s favorite) and a bunch of other exciting characters, contact Misti at Misti is also selling metal lunchboxes, Barbie dolls and collages at rock bottom (with the depressed American economy in mind) prices. Misti is interested in writing children’s books, teaching tap dance lessons to little gay boys and learning how to box so she can beat people up and get paid for it. Misti also dreams of someday reading her poems in rainbow sequins at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Speaking of rainbows, Misti also dreams of someday owning a retro motor court somewhere in the Land of Enchantment called Inn of the Rainbow, which will include a honeymoon suite for gays only. Misti will conduct gay marriage ceremonies at the motel. She will get her license online.

  3. The thing is…I love this poet’s work. But I also think she’d be so much fun to party with. I don’t mean because of the penis cookies. Well, okay…yeah, I do. I’d love to hear her read, too. Awesome.

  4. damn straight – never take responsibility. you do that and you’ll never be president! one day misti we will have that drink

  5. Love you, Misti, Great poem! Vegas will still be there so don’t give up!

  6. i really really like this poem!

  7. Todd Moore Says:


    Love the poem. All responsibility is fucked when you are writing a poem.


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